Lucky Lollies- Creative writing assessment.

As the sun shone over the brightly coloured horizon, the littlest but most full of life lolly shop sat in the corner of the buzzing and stressful area of Diagon Alley. Snow fell onto the roughly paved grounds and the aroma of sweet strawberries filled the air. The frosted windows were like a shy girl, wanting to let everyone in but still resisting to break free.

The smell of fresh pine trees danced through the breeze as the doorbell rung continuously at Lucky Lollies. Children bursting with excitement entered the Lolly store with their parents, acting as unwilling chaperones. Lollypops flew everywhere as the little children tried to get one grasp at them, the more they tried the further they flew. The floorboards wept while the desperate children jumped all around on them.

The newly stained wooden beams glistened in the winter morning sun as chocolate drops were popped in customers mouths. Letting off a putrid smell, the chocolate drops were quickly regurgitated along with children’s screams. The ruckus continued throughout the shop while ghostly cracks trickled down the candy floss coloured walls. 

The highly built shelves reaching into the darkness were packed to the brim as interested eyes scanned them down. The frosted windows suddenly started to give off their clinging fog as more and more customers emerged repeatedly. The pastel pink wrapped bubblegum was blown throughout the neatly decorated shop popping like evaporating steam. The door swung each way as autumn leaves were pushed into the warmly lit and crowded store. The freshly stocked sherbet then let off an exciting atmosphere intriguing new faces.

Elegant woollen coats were dotted throughout the shop while the calmly dressed workers glided around, presenting their wares. Large lolly snakes sprung into the crowd’s hands and danced around their fingertips like a passionate ballerina. The sweet aroma of the brightly coloured sweets quickly changed into a more suiting theme as children fussed about wanting to get into the madness.

The shining cash register erupted sounds of beeps and bings as it opened and closed repeatedly. Leaks started to show on the grasping wallpaper and muddy footsteps appeared on the rushed job of mopping that was done the night before. Wrappers were ripped open during the scurry of people trying to exit with their goods and shivers were seen while the warmly dressed families hurried out wanting to continue with their holiday activities.

As crowds of tired faces drowned past the lolly shop it slowly came to a close, doors were shut as signs were taken down. The sky-reaching shelves were now left empty and lonely and the sun no longer reflected off the brightly coloured packaging. The aroma of sweet strawberries had disappeared and now hibernated in their tightly closed homes. Lastly, fiery lights of candles were blown away which now left the space feeling like a blank canvas.

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Hi Mikaela,

Here is some feedback

Pay careful attention to your spelling, grammar and punctuation. There are some minor errors popping up in your writing.
With creative writing, whenever you start a new idea it starts a new paragraph. Use this rule to help create flow in your work.
Read your work out loud. This will help you catch the moments where the words you are using do not quite fit.

Keep at it.

Mr Johnson

Hi Mikaela,

In addition to the previous feedback,

There are some confusing moments in your writing’s flow. Read your piece out loud and it should help you identify the point where your structure needs to be developed further.
As we have discussed, you need to be putting in more detail about the shop itself. Be as specific as you can.

Mr Johnson

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